7.5 First Date Conversations

First dates are high-stakes conversations. Two strangers, usually nervous, trying to assess whether there’s potential for something more. The conversation carries unusual weight—what you talk about and how you talk about it shapes whether there’s a second date.

Most advice focuses on surface-level tactics: have interesting stories, avoid controversial topics, don’t talk about your ex. But research on initial romantic encounters reveals something deeper about what actually creates connection.

The 36 Questions Principle

In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron developed a procedure for generating interpersonal closeness between strangers. It became famous as “The 36 Questions.”^[1]

The procedure is simple: pairs of strangers take turns asking and answering increasingly personal questions over 45 minutes. Questions start light (“Would you like to be famous? In what way?”) and gradually deepen (“What is your most treasured memory?” “When did you last cry in front of another person?”).

The results were striking. Strangers who completed the procedure felt significantly closer than those who engaged in small talk for the same duration. Some pairs even formed lasting friendships. One couple from the original study got married.

What made it work wasn’t the specific questions. It was the structure: reciprocal escalating self-disclosure.

Three elements matter:

1. Reciprocity

Both people share. Taking turns creates balance—neither feels exposed while the other remains guarded. A meta-analysis of 94 studies confirmed that reciprocal disclosure increases liking far more than one-sided sharing.^[2]

2. Escalation

Depth increases gradually. You don’t start with your deepest fears. You build to them, creating comfort and trust along the way. Each level of disclosure signals it’s safe to go deeper.

3. Turn-Taking

Research found that immediate turn-taking (you share, then I share on the same topic) produces more liking than long-turn taking (you share at length, then I share at length).^[3] The back-and-forth rhythm matters.

You don’t need to bring a list of 36 questions to a first date. But understanding the principle—mutual, gradual, reciprocal disclosure—changes how you approach the conversation.

What Actually Creates Attraction

Speed-dating research has given scientists an unprecedented window into what creates romantic attraction in initial encounters. When you meet 10-15 people for 4-5 minutes each, patterns emerge.

Perceived Similarity Matters More Than Actual Similarity

A study examining both actual and perceived similarity during speed dates found something surprising: perceived similarity predicted romantic attraction, but actual similarity did not.^[4]

Whether you actually share values, interests, or personality traits matters less than whether you feel like you do. First-date conversations are not compatibility assessments—they’re perception management.

This has implications. Genuine connection comes from finding points of resonance and building on them. It doesn’t come from interrogating someone’s preferences against a checklist.

Question-Asking Predicts Second Dates

The research on question-asking we covered earlier has particular relevance for first dates. Speed daters who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to secure second dates.^[5]

Follow-up questions—questions that build on what someone just said—signal responsiveness. They communicate: “What you said was interesting enough that I want to know more.”

The effect was stronger than other conversation behaviors. You don’t need to be witty, impressive, or endlessly interesting. You need to be genuinely curious about the person across from you.

Language Synchrony Predicts Mutual Interest

A fascinating study analyzed transcripts from speed dates and found that language style matching—the degree to which two people synchronize their use of function words (pronouns, articles, prepositions)—predicted mutual romantic interest.^[6]

Pairs with above-median language style matching were more than three times as likely to want to see each other again compared to pairs with below-median matching.

This synchrony is largely unconscious. You can’t fake it by deliberately mirroring words. But it emerges naturally when conversation flows and both parties are engaged. It’s a marker of connection, not a technique.

Stated Preferences Don’t Predict Actual Attraction

Before speed-dating events, participants describe what they want: attractiveness, intelligence, earning potential, sense of humor. Researchers then compare these stated preferences to who participants actually express interest in.

The findings are humbling: stated preferences fail to predict actual attraction.^[7] People say they want one thing and respond to something else entirely.

What this means for first dates: Don’t perform to someone’s presumed preferences. You don’t know what will actually attract them—and neither do they. Authenticity is more likely to land than strategic self-presentation.

Reading Interest (And Why It’s Hard)

One anxiety of first dates: “Are they interested? Do they like me?” We try to read signals—body language, tone, engagement—to assess where we stand.

Research suggests we’re not great at this.

A study on detecting flirting found that interactions where flirting did not occur were perceived more accurately than those where it did.^[8] When someone is flirting, we often miss it. When they’re not, we’re more likely to correctly identify that.

Why the asymmetry? Flirting behaviors are subtle and variable. Different people express interest differently. And base rates are low—in casual conversations, explicit attraction signals are rare. We lack calibrated expectations for what interest actually looks like.

Common Interest Signals

Research on flirting styles identifies verbal and nonverbal behaviors correlated with attraction:^[9]

Verbal signals:

Asking personal questions
Revealing personal information
Complimenting
Teasing playfully
Expressing agreement and similarity

Nonverbal signals:

Leaning forward
Open body posture
Eye contact that lingers slightly
Nodding while listening
Mirroring gestures or positions
Genuine smiling (including eye crinkles)

No single signal is definitive. Interest is communicated through patterns—clusters of signals that accumulate.

What Signals Disinterest

Equally important: recognizing when someone isn’t feeling it.

Short answers without elaboration
Not asking questions back
Checking phone or scanning the room
Closed body language (crossed arms, turned away)
Flat affect, minimal smiling
Moving conversation toward logistics (ending the date)
Generic politeness without personal engagement

These don’t always mean disinterest—some people are shy, nervous, or having a bad day. But consistent patterns across a date suggest limited attraction.

Creating Psychological Safety

First dates involve vulnerability. You’re exposing yourself to evaluation by a stranger. Whether someone opens up depends largely on whether they feel safe doing so.

Psychological safety in first-date contexts means:

You won’t be judged harshly. They share something slightly embarrassing, and you respond with warmth rather than mockery.

Imperfections are okay. You can stumble over words, have an awkward pause, spill something—and the vibe doesn’t shift to discomfort.

Authenticity is welcomed. You don’t have to perform a polished version of yourself. Real responses are better than calculated ones.

You create safety through:

Non-Judgment

When they share something, receive it without evaluation. “That’s interesting” beats “Really? I would never do that.” Your reactions train them on whether it’s safe to be honest.

Reciprocal Vulnerability

Share something imperfect about yourself first. This signals that vulnerability is okay and lowers their defenses.

Genuine Warmth

Smile. Laugh easily. Show that you’re enjoying the interaction. Warmth is disarming—it’s hard to feel unsafe with someone who seems genuinely glad to be talking to you.

Handling Sensitive Topics

If a topic arises that they seem uncomfortable with, don’t push. A light pivot—“We don’t have to talk about that if you’d rather not”—communicates respect for their boundaries.

Self-Disclosure Balance

How much should you share on a first date?

The research suggests balance matters. Disclosing too little comes across as guarded or uninterested. Disclosing too much can feel overwhelming or like emotional dumping.^[2]

The Right Amount

Share enough to be knowable. Give them a sense of who you are—your interests, values, sense of humor, life circumstances. Don’t remain a mystery.

Hold back enough to maintain boundaries. First dates aren’t therapy sessions. Deep trauma, complicated family dynamics, and relationship history can wait until trust is established.

Match their level. If they’re sharing moderately, share moderately. If they open up more, you can follow. Calibrate to the emerging norm of the conversation.

Reciprocity Matters More Than Quantity

The key finding from disclosure research: people like you more after having disclosed to you.^[2] Creating space for their self-disclosure—through interested questions and receptive listening—may be more important than what you share about yourself.

The goal isn’t to impress them with your stories. It’s to create a conversation where both people feel known.

Thin Slices: First Impressions Form Fast

Research on “thin slices” demonstrates that people form accurate impressions remarkably quickly—sometimes in seconds.^[10]

In speed-dating contexts, judgments made in the first few minutes predict final attraction assessments. The implication: first impressions matter and are difficult to reverse.

What this means practically:

The opening matters. How you greet them, your initial energy, the first few exchanges—these set a tone that persists.

Warmth reads quickly. A genuine smile, friendly eye contact, and relaxed body language communicate positive intent immediately.

Anxiety is contagious. If you’re visibly nervous, they’ll feel nervous too. Some pre-date calming practices—whatever works for you—can help you show up more regulated.

But impressions can shift. While first impressions are sticky, they’re not permanent. If the early vibe is awkward, it can recover as comfort builds.

Handling Awkwardness

Every first date has awkward moments. Conversation lulls. Someone says something that doesn’t land. A topic goes sideways.

The skill isn’t avoiding awkwardness—that’s impossible. It’s navigating it gracefully.

Acknowledge Rather Than Ignore

“Well, that came out weird” or “This got awkward—let’s try again” diffuses tension better than pretending everything is fine. Acknowledgment signals self-awareness and gives permission to reset.

Have Low-Risk Pivots Ready

When a topic dies, you need somewhere to go. Good pivots are open-ended questions that most people can engage with:

“What’s been on your mind lately?”
“Have you been anywhere interesting recently?”
“What are you most looking forward to right now?”

Don’t Catastrophize

One awkward moment doesn’t doom a date. If you spiral into “this is going terribly,” that energy communicates more than the original awkwardness did. Most people are forgiving of small stumbles if the overall vibe is positive.

Use Humor Gently

Light humor about shared awkwardness creates bonding. “I forgot how to have a conversation for a second there” is relatable and disarming. Avoid self-deprecation that seems like it’s seeking reassurance.

Practical Principles

Bringing the research together into actionable guidance:

Before the Date

Choose a setting that allows conversation (not a loud bar or movie)
Arrive regulated—do whatever calms your nervous system
Set a simple intention: learn about this person, enjoy the conversation

Opening Minutes

Greet warmly with eye contact and a genuine smile
Start with comfortable topics that are easy to engage with
Focus on creating ease rather than impressing

During the Conversation

Ask follow-up questions—show genuine curiosity about their answers
Share about yourself when there’s natural space, matching their disclosure level
Look for points of resonance and explore them
Listen more than you plan what to say next
Be present—phone away, attention fully with them

Reading the Room

Notice patterns, not single signals
If they’re opening up, they likely feel comfortable
If answers are getting shorter, try a topic shift or check in (“Should we talk about something else?”)
Trust your gut—if something feels off, it probably is

Closing

If you’re interested, say so clearly: “I really enjoyed this. I’d like to see you again.”
If you’re not, be kind but don’t create false expectations: “It was nice meeting you” with warm but clear finality
Don’t overcommit or make plans you don’t intend to follow through on

The Underlying Truth

First dates are not auditions. They’re not performances where you showcase your best qualities and hope to be selected.

They’re conversations where two people try to discover whether there’s genuine compatibility. That discovery requires both people to show up somewhat authentically, listen to each other with real attention, and create enough safety for honest interaction.

The research keeps pointing to the same conclusion: curiosity, warmth, and responsiveness matter more than being impressive. People want to feel interesting, understood, and comfortable. You create that through how you receive them, not through what you present about yourself.

The best first dates aren’t the ones where you perform brilliantly. They’re the ones where you both leave feeling like you connected with a real person—and want to learn more.

What This Means for You

Reciprocal disclosure builds connection: Take turns sharing, gradually increasing depth. Neither person should feel over-exposed.
Perceived similarity matters more than actual similarity: Find resonance points and explore them rather than assessing compatibility through questions.
Ask follow-up questions: This single behavior predicts second-date success better than most other conversational tactics.
Interest signals are easy to miss: Don’t assume you can accurately read attraction. Look for patterns, not single signals.
Create psychological safety: Respond to vulnerability with warmth. Share your own imperfections. Make authenticity feel welcome.
Balance self-disclosure: Share enough to be knowable, hold back enough to maintain boundaries, match their level.
First impressions form fast but can shift: Opening minutes matter, but awkward starts can recover if you stay warm and present.
Awkwardness is survivable: Acknowledge it, pivot gracefully, don’t catastrophize. Everyone experiences it.

Your job isn’t to be impressive. It’s to be present, curious, and real. The connection—if there’s going to be one—emerges from that.

References

Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363-377. doi:10.1177/0146167297234003
Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 116(3), 457-475. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.116.3.457
Sprecher, S., Treger, S., Wondra, J. D., Hilaire, N., & Wallpe, K. (2013). Taking turns: Reciprocal self-disclosure promotes liking in initial interactions. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 49(5), 860-866. doi:10.1016/j.jesp.2013.03.017
Tidwell, N. D., Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2013). Perceived, not actual, similarity predicts initial attraction in a live romantic context. Personal Relationships, 20(2), 199-215. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2012.01405.x
Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430-452. doi:10.1037/pspi0000097
Ireland, M. E., Slatcher, R. B., Eastwick, P. W., Scissors, L. E., Finkel, E. J., & Pennebaker, J. W. (2011). Language style matching predicts relationship initiation and stability. Psychological Science, 22(1), 39-44. doi:10.1177/0956797610392928
Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2008). Sex differences in mate preferences revisited: Do people know what they initially desire in a romantic partner? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(2), 245-264. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.94.2.245
Hall, J. A., Xing, C., & Brooks, S. (2015). Accurately detecting flirting: Error management theory, the traditional sexual script, and flirting base rate. Communication Research, 42(7), 939-958. doi:10.1177/0093650214534972
Hall, J. A., & Xing, C. (2015). The verbal and nonverbal correlates of the five flirting styles. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 39(1), 41-68. doi:10.1007/s10919-014-0199-8
Ambady, N., & Rosenthal, R. (1992). Thin slices of expressive behavior as predictors of interpersonal consequences: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 111(2), 256-274. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.111.2.256